Day 4 - more or less: Dearest Public Diary,

Long time no post!

Hey, don't put the blame on me! It has been one heck, or dare I say inferno, of a week, or month! Goodness! I'm glad this school year is finally over. But frankly, I unintentionally butchered my academic performance that year. Reflecting on it now, my mind undoubtedly regrets what it has become - what it had done - and what it prioritized during the entire course. Apparently, better results would have been presented; however, my persistence and determination ceased.

All we did today was swim. Got darker again...so...ugh, I'm blank. Let me just go straight to what has been bothering my brain lately: 5 letters: DREAM. Everyone has one...or at least those who plan to make something out of their lives. I had an epiphany. It came about when I was reading Paulo Coelho's The Devil and Miss Prym:

A mentor was training one of his students to aim accurately. A shot gun - or another similar object, a tin can, and a blindfold were the present elements. The mentor blindfolded himself and shot away, obviously missing the tin can by a mile. When the mentor asked if he shot the can, the student concluded that he cannot learn anything with the guy as his mentor. But the mentor begged to differ. He said that the bullet can never shoot the can if the aimer is blindfolded.

So long story short, when you are out to get your dream, you cannot allow any blindfold blind you. You have to get focused. You have to concentrate. You have to get into that vision that drives you to fight.

Day 3: Dearest Public Diary,

Being a woman has been underestimated for so many years. And to be honest, I believe I know why. We're seen as weak, desperate, and needy by the male society. Why? It's because most of us depict such an image. How? Two words: NO INDEPENDENCE.

I'm not talking about the the political type of independence. I'm talking about how we women (although I'm still a teenager) stand up as individuals in terms of relationships. Most humans, including our own gender, believe that we show how much we "need" guys, and frankly, some of us do in an extremely desperate manner! I am appalled, ladies, by how the world is turning. To show you how wrong everything's been going, I'll give you a few examples that shocked me to my core on how women have been behaving nowadays (by the way, when I say women, I'm actually referring to all females regardless of age):

• A certain girl in Facebook had a relationship with a foreigner. They barely met each other and only communicate via Facebook. How did they have a short-lived relationship (they aren't togethter anymore)? Well, this is how the chat wnet:

Girl: Hey, can you be my bf?

Boy: Ummm...

Girl: Why? Don't you want?

Boy: I'm confused.

Girl: Pleeeaaaaase.

• Most of you might hate me for this, but a certain country singer writes and sings solely (well, not entirely, but evidently mostly) about break-ups and the need for boys.
• Some of my people are married to Americans and believe that it's a great achievement to have done so, and some of them tend to be passive just to sustain their relationship with their American husbands.
• A television show episode that showed two friends fighting over a guy. The other friend needed helping bra in order to get the guy's attention. Yeah, DESPERATE.

Really? Seriously? Why? And this blog doesn't only go for the women. I'm also reaching out to the guys who mortify themselves by being with girls who aren't "worth it". Anyways, my main message here is, please people, have some sense of dignity. The reason why we're called individuals is that we can stand up on our own. The only problem is that sometimes, we choose the fragile road. As a concerned teenager, who'd want nothing but the best for all of you, DON'T take that road.

Day 2: Dearest Public Diary,

What is this inferiority complex? (sigh...) I don't understand why I have to be competitive all the time! It's sane to be hopeful and just wish for a good future, right? But how come I can't do that? Okay, I'm not implying that I'm crazy or anything, but I just hate myself for always looking at people around me as lions while I see myself as a helpless kitten. I feel like a loser. As if I can't do anything good, or right.

I wonder, have you ever felt like locking yourself up in your room, ponder a little on how your life is going, and then cry? Or maybe you've chained your emotions too long that you suddenly broke-down in front of a close friend and then vented out all your feelings to him/her? Yeah, it happened to me. Not today though. But I've done that. Well, the first scenario happens more often than the second one, and it just so happens that in the second scenario, I was the friend who had been vented out on. I almost cried because I was able to relate to her. We felt that life was being too "hardsh" (hard+harsh) on us. Oh no, I'm not the purple-lipstick and eyeliner wearing kind of person who covers most of her face with her hair. In other words, I'm neither a goth nor an "emo." Although, sometimes, I do complain about my life. People get annoyed and so do I (with myself, in fact). But isn't that just part of our human nature? To complain? Though it's just not right when you complain to the extent that every 5 seconds seems like a snooze button going off to the people around you. I admit, I do that sometimes. However, at the very least, I'm trying to disintegrate this vice of mine. And yes, I do consider ceaseless complaining a vice.

Moving on, today seems like any other usual normal day. Not boring. Just normal. Happy normal. You see, the more time I spend AWAY from school, the happier I become. To my fellow classmates who don't actually know the real person behind this book-bound teenager that you see me as, yes, I find school depressing. Hey, striving for the gold doesn't necessarily mean that I love studying my eyeballs out. It's agonizing! But I believe that school is our military camp. If you don't feel the need to alarm yourself with the consequences of not doing well, then why bother going there?

DISCIPLINE is the key that takes you where you want to be.

Reading is just secondary. (I think...well, it's just an opinion)

Anyways, right now, I have this urge of talking about good-looking people. Not to be offensive or anything, but how come they're usually the mean ones? Not always, just usually. I know, I know. I'm being judgmental. I apologize for stating that. It's just I have experienced this paradox in more ways than one. Okay, saying this might've jolted your brains into thinking I'm an envious ugly Betty. Well yes, I am ugly but not jealous. Okay, maybe a little, but that would never drive me to writing this. If it did, then I should've generalized that all pretty people are evil. I know some attractive people who happen to be kind. Oh well,...never mind. This is all for the day. Just wanted to vent this thought out. :) 'Til next time. I'm sorry to all those offended.

Day 1: Dearest Public Diary,

'Tis the season to be jolly! Freedom has expanded in all directions, and I plan to throw the books out the dump this holiday(figuratively speaking, of course). After the school bell rang signifying the end of our examination, an airy feeling elevated me to a joyful ambiance! Aaaahhhh...school days are finally temporarily over for 2 weeks. For some reason, I can't believe the beginning of unrestrained days has come. I mean, I can still recall those weeks of wishful thinking that school days would soon give up on trying to murder me with all those deadlines. I swear I was about to SCREAM! But with a little patience and discipline (not to kill myself), I was able to prove that stormy days can be overcome, and it seemed so fast as if it all ended in just a snap. Anyways, let me hand out a few details that you basically need to know about who I am: My name is J.J. (or rather my public name is J.J.). I am below 17 years old and a Junior. If I describe myself in 3 words, then I'd have to say difficult to understand. And yes, prepositions are words. Frankly, even I'm having a difficult time unlocking my true self. But I bet everyone has gone through that kind of phase. It's as if one day you're kind and perky. Then the next day, you become Regina George from Mean Girls. Managing this kind of "personality-swing" is as difficult as it sounds. But still, it's one of those things in life that you can't change and something you must face.

Moving on, what my family and I did today was throw this party for orphans. Nothing big. Just a simple, happy kind of party. Okay, to be concrete, it's similar to a children's party. The host. The games. The magician. And of course, the giveaways. And golly did I eat a lot today! Ugh, I should try shedding off some pounds. I'm planning on being 105lbs. at this height of 5'3. If you think that's short, then you must be not Asian because in my country, that's considered average. Well, I'm out of words for the day. But I assure you that you'll be reading longer journals during school days since I write a lot when I'm depressed. So, ta ta for now. ;)